Top 9 reasons being bald isn’t all bad

When I worked at the magazine, one of my daily duties was creating Top 9 lists for our iPhone app. It was a job I absolutely relished. For the record, the top performer was one I came up with called “Top 9 Animal Hands” which was all about different animals and their weird hands. That, or the one I did on the day our publishers filed for bankruptcy protection which was called “Top 9 Fun Facts About Chapter 11 and Hot Lawyers”  which got picked up by the WSJ because it was 2009 and the crash was in full swing. It made our publicist super angry. Cool story, bro. Anyway, it’s taken me nearly two weeks, but I freakin’ did it. I found nine ways to be glad I’m bald. I worked on it during all the hours I would have otherwise spent flat ironing my hair.

1. Hey, at least it’s not Herculina

No more sleepless nights spent wondering, “Is my skull as grossly misshapen as the asteroid Vesta? (answer: yes)

 

2. Make it look like an accident

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There won’t be a single lock of hair DNA evidence left behind at the scene of the crime.

 

3. Stop throwing your dough down the drain

Think of all the money you’re saving on salon visits, blowouts, product and tips. At the end of my hair days, I was spending $75 a month on a Drybar membership, plus lord knows how much more on product. I’m such a sucker for good-smelling potions. The most I ever dropped on stupid shampoo was like $60 bucks for some Kerastasse goop. Of course, it’s easy to justify when you spend exactly zero dollars on booze, or pedicures or other pastimes that humans with healthy immune systems engage in…

 

4. It’s all for you, Damien!

I’m fairly sure at one time or another, we’ve all asked ourselves, “Am I the Antichrist?” What a relief to finally have a solid answer.

 

5. Subvert the stereotypes

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

A: Don’t even worry about it, because nobody knows what hair color you have! You are a woman of mystery and your hair changes at your whim! Feel free to act like a psychotic redhead or one of those brunette know-it-alls.

 

6. Look Ma, no Phthiraptera!

Lice outbreak at your kid’s school? Or, maybe you just grabbed a seat in the world’s most disgusting movie theater? No problem, sister! (Just keep your pants on . . .)

 

7. Sidestep the biggest loser in the mall

“Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” NO YOU CANNOT, AGRESSIVE SHOPPING MALL KIOSK PONYTAIL PEDDLER! Actually, it might be fun to whip off your wig, and say, “Oh thank heavens I found you, do you have any adhesive that I can use to attach your cut-rate, off-brand-Barbie hair to my grossly misshapen cranium? No? Okay, cool. See you later, then.”

 

8. It’s a real time saver!

Not only can you be ready for anything in no time flat—if you go the wig route, you’ll likely have the most perfectly-styled hair in the room. No more bad hair days!

9. Bald=bad ass

 

Like Demi Moore in “GI Jane”, Charlize in “Mad Max Fury Road” and Grace Jones just being herself, with all that pesky hair out of the way, all people will see is you. The real inner you: confident, proud and unafraid. Because if you can rock this look, that’s what you are. I honor you. I’m not there myself,  but I hope to be, eventually.

I think it’s high time my neighbors get a refresher course in astronomy—namely, a certain asteroid.

11 comments

  1. Pingback: Weekly Round Up | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer
  2. pretty sweet

    you. are. awesome. And I forwarded to 4 friends with 4 different cancers. I don’t have cancer. I also don’t have much hair.

    • Laurel

      You’re hilarious! Hair is over-rated anyway. I mean, look at Larry David. He’d be 1/10th as hot with a full head of hair. Oh and I thought of another plus- if you need to throw up, your best girlfriend doesn’t have to hold your hair back, she just needs to stick it in her purse for you until you’re finished. Way less humiliating…

      • jenjen

        I love the image of a friend literally holding (onto) your hair while you throw up. Keeping it in her pocketbook. I know pocketbook is weird, but it seems like the place where hair would be kept. Along with rouge.

  3. Kim Silva

    Miss you . . . miss your writing. Thank you for these blogs – you were so honest, so clever, and always so elegant & beautiful. Miss you.

  4. Jeff Rittschof

    Laurel,
    I’m going to miss your words, and that beautiful smile. I hope our paths cross again on the next plane. Love and light my friend. xoxo.

  5. Brenda

    Rest in peace my beautiful cousin (7/5/15).
    You will always be loved, cherished, adored and remembered for the amazing human being you are. Thank you for including us on your journey. Love you, Brenda

  6. Jenny

    My heart is breaking. I am so sad to be in a world without you. You have brought us laughter and tears. I will always remember your sweetness and sense of humor. Thank you Laurel. Rest in peace.

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