When I worked at the magazine, one of my daily duties was creating Top 9 lists for our iPhone app. It was a job I absolutely relished. For the record, the top performer was one I came up with called “Top 9 Animal Hands” which was all about different animals and their weird hands. That, or the one I did on the day our publishers filed for bankruptcy protection which was called “Top 9 Fun Facts About Chapter 11 and Hot Lawyers” which got picked up by the WSJ because it was 2009 and the crash was in full swing. It made our publicist super angry. Cool story, bro. Anyway, it’s taken me nearly two weeks, but I freakin’ did it. I found nine ways to be glad I’m bald. I worked on it during all the hours I would have otherwise spent flat ironing my hair.
1. Hey, at least it’s not Herculina
No more sleepless nights spent wondering, “Is my skull as grossly misshapen as the asteroid Vesta? (answer: yes)
2. Make it look like an accident
There won’t be a single lock of hair DNA evidence left behind at the scene of the crime.
3. Stop throwing your dough down the drain
Think of all the money you’re saving on salon visits, blowouts, product and tips. At the end of my hair days, I was spending $75 a month on a Drybar membership, plus lord knows how much more on product. I’m such a sucker for good-smelling potions. The most I ever dropped on stupid shampoo was like $60 bucks for some Kerastasse goop. Of course, it’s easy to justify when you spend exactly zero dollars on booze, or pedicures or other pastimes that humans with healthy immune systems engage in…
4. It’s all for you, Damien!
I’m fairly sure at one time or another, we’ve all asked ourselves, “Am I the Antichrist?” What a relief to finally have a solid answer.
5. Subvert the stereotypes
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Don’t even worry about it, because nobody knows what hair color you have! You are a woman of mystery and your hair changes at your whim! Feel free to act like a psychotic redhead or one of those brunette know-it-alls.
6. Look Ma, no Phthiraptera!
Lice outbreak at your kid’s school? Or, maybe you just grabbed a seat in the world’s most disgusting movie theater? No problem, sister! (Just keep your pants on . . .)
7. Sidestep the biggest loser in the mall
“Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” NO YOU CANNOT, AGRESSIVE SHOPPING MALL KIOSK PONYTAIL PEDDLER! Actually, it might be fun to whip off your wig, and say, “Oh thank heavens I found you, do you have any adhesive that I can use to attach your cut-rate, off-brand-Barbie hair to my grossly misshapen cranium? No? Okay, cool. See you later, then.”
8. It’s a real time saver!
Not only can you be ready for anything in no time flat—if you go the wig route, you’ll likely have the most perfectly-styled hair in the room. No more bad hair days!
9. Bald=bad ass
Like Demi Moore in “GI Jane”, Charlize in “Mad Max Fury Road” and Grace Jones just being herself, with all that pesky hair out of the way, all people will see is you. The real inner you: confident, proud and unafraid. Because if you can rock this look, that’s what you are. I honor you. I’m not there myself, but I hope to be, eventually.
I think it’s high time my neighbors get a refresher course in astronomy—namely, a certain asteroid.